Just a bit too bold but who gives a fuck.

Maybe that fucked me up when i was a kid. Being ashamed of having feelings, good or bad, feelings at all. I hid it all, and i ended up a poor excuse for a grown up adult type of a person, who needs help from several people in just defining the feeling achieved or avoided. I can't do it alone, i don't have it in myself, it's like there's a switch but i don't know how to use it. Sometimes i cry and i don't know why, and sometimes i guess right. Like, take now for example. It's like i can't breathe right. I see red every time i try to recall the drunken fiasco. And i cry when i think that i'm bored, but that never happened before so i presume it can't be because i miss a fucking habit? It just can't be, doesn't fit in. And i reach for my phone, every single damn time the space seed announces some shit i mostly don't give a shit about, and for a second i think that maybe, just maybe, we can still get it right. But we can't. And i left things go unsaid, not because i didn't want to say them, but because i couldn't fucking remember a single thing i wanted to say between the shots, shots, shots, and the slurring of words i wish to god i'd avoided. And all i can say is that i miss you, but she asked me what the fuck do i actually miss and i don't know. I don't know and i can't find out because you are not the first. Statistically you most definitely won't be the last and i'll will probably not have learned a damn thing by the time the next one rolls their way into this chaos i sometimes dare to call a life. And fuck. I wrote a variation of this shit at least three times in the past week, and i couldn't bring myself to actually share it, even though i know it will never get read by any other person than myself, i consider it to daring, too honest and i might feel vulnerable? A tiny bit insecure? I mean who the fuck knows by now, read me, read me and tell me because i don't know. Jesus, it's fucking liberating to say it like that. I don't know. See, not familiar with this feeling either. I want to ask what the fuck is actually wrong with me, but the list of what is right is a lot shorter and maybe we could all save ourselves some precious time and just say, maybe a couple of things. Maybe, on a good day. Because it's 6am and i haven;t slept again, and i miss your stupid voice and i miss waking up with a sense of purpose and i want one to come back a bit more than the other, and if you guessed right which one, then you know exactly why i'm asking, what in the ever loving fuck is actually wrong with me?