Z dusom se dijelim hehe

I'll make this short. He gave up first and i'll be alright with that soon.
My wrist feels better now. But for the past two hours I've been shooting my head up to stare at the light bulb for a few seconds until the sweet release of a sneeze comes, but without any luck. I've used up three toilet rolls in two days. I don't feel my nose anymore. Send help.

Zip it

My left wrist hurts as if i slept a bit wrongly on it, but i never sleep on my left side, can't fall asleep on my left side. But it's been hurting for whole two days now. And also, i found out that for some reason my left eye doesn't work properly, can't read a single line, everything's blurry. And i told my friend that i was pms-ing, but i know that that's not the only reason why i've been on the edge for these couple of days. It's the risk i took, and the same old story with a different title. And why can't i just forgive myself? Why can't i just, come to terms with the fact that this, this is what i do. This is what i'm good at, and this is what will be the end of me. And i want to tell you, i want you to know, about everything that makes me and that has already made me, the person i am today. But i know i won't. Not just yet anyway. Or maybe i'll never get the chance. Maybe i'm a bit scared too. And maybe i don't want to be. And maybe, maybe, maybe, the depths of maybe? I counted only four today. Since i've started this new chapter, there's been only four. Maybe i don't have that much time on my hands anymore... who am i kidding. No inspiration is my problem. And i'd say that's a good thing, on a good day. But now ain't it i guess. It's like i constantly push myself, drive myself to these situations, and maybe i feel like it's consolation, and maybe i yearn for it every single day. I'm not who i used to be, and i don't write that much anymore. And maybe i wanted to start again so bad, that i accepted this even though i knew that it'll go down just as fast as it started. And maybe i wanted this to succeed, maybe i wanted this to be better. With all of my heart, i wanted this to be something i won't write about. And yet, the words are flowing naturally. Word after word, i lie that i want you to know, but i don't really. That would mean that you'll mean something, and i'm not really sure that i can handle the fear of me just being your option. Just someone, anyone, like everyone else. Meaningless, no depth, no maybe, just an option you won't really entertain the idea of being the right one. I know i'll do this again, and i'll come out on top. I know. I know. I'll endure and i'll be fine. I guess that, maybe i just want you to know all of this, without me saying it. Some people say that they just know, just like that. And i wish that you are one of those people. So much doubts, all in, and whatnot. But still my wrist hurts, and i wish i could tell you everything. But not tonight.

Play the game

There's a game I don't talk about,
mostly forgotten now.
The first heartbreak
- spanned over months;
those few bruises didn't hurt as much,
at the time.
But I played a game of chess once,
which was nice.
He had his life together
even after we weren't.
I couldn't love him,
there was something missing..
Maybe an honest laugh,
or a smile?
Definitely a smile.
Moved on to a game of lies,
and I would've given my life
to have that single honest sober moment
ripped out of my mind.
Now, don't ask me if it's still him
I regret the most.
Give me a bit more time
even when I say I'm ready to say goodbye.
Now it's a game, a bit undefined,
it's laced with pushing and supporting;
with sacred words said so easily
you'd thing they could move
the imaginary border lines.
But don't me wrong,
it's a game I've already played
once too many times before.
There's always too much on the line
and still, the same rules apply.

Got spared this time?

I'm not one of those people who say "i told you so". Yes i am. Mostly to myself. Or if someone fucks up and it turns out to be funny. Not the point though. That "to myself" thing is what's important right now. I mean. I knew it. I just did. And the timing's never right, and the features are never what you thought they would be. Ever thought. Not karma, but irony i guess.

At the end, I know that it all comes down to the risks you didn't take, and the ones you did turn out to be the wrong ones. So, I often wondered, and when I say often I mean all the fucking time, I wondered where to next? Where do I go from there? When my tendency to fuck up things had been following me almost my whole life, like, how do I break the circle? And at some point, I realized that it's simple. You just step off, and you visit another train station. Get a new perspective and re-evaluate your dreams. Because, let's not fuck around here, it's the dreams that we're talking about. Ambitions and ideals. And mine were never that ambitious and not that ideal. But they were mine you know? I guess i wanted things just as much as the next weird creature. Most of the time, i was afraid I'd fuck it all up once i get close. And it's not like i haven't done that in the past. Maybe now i feel a bit more mature? So I feel like I'd do it a bit differently now. Or maybe, I just don't want to waste that once-in-a-lifetime chance. Not like it is, I don't know if any of this is, but I feel like I want to keep it? I mean at one point, I wanted to give up, and I am a quitter I know that, I fight it but I know myself. I wanted to quit so bad, but it all turned out alright so now I feel like I got a pass, like I'm exactly in the place where I wanted to be, but on borrowed time. Like i just got more time, to risk it all, once again. And I know I will, I know that I tend to fuck up the most basic stuff. I know that I got used to being just another fucking failure people pass on the street and wonder "why the smile though". Get the best out of the worst, and keep soldiering on. So see, now it feels like a bit too much for my soul to take, because I've never been this far. I've never made it this far, and all I want to do now is fall away. I'm not scared (I am), with all the pressure and the will that's hanging by a thread, I don't even know anymore. I guess I just don't want to fuck it all up. Again. I got used to that, and there's no one else to blame, and I'm tired of looking for the guilty party because I'm tired of all the failures. I'm just tired. I just want an honest smile to dear mr. fantasy. Is that even possible? Or am I reaching too much?