Got spared this time?

I'm not one of those people who say "i told you so". Yes i am. Mostly to myself. Or if someone fucks up and it turns out to be funny. Not the point though. That "to myself" thing is what's important right now. I mean. I knew it. I just did. And the timing's never right, and the features are never what you thought they would be. Ever thought. Not karma, but irony i guess.

At the end, I know that it all comes down to the risks you didn't take, and the ones you did turn out to be the wrong ones. So, I often wondered, and when I say often I mean all the fucking time, I wondered where to next? Where do I go from there? When my tendency to fuck up things had been following me almost my whole life, like, how do I break the circle? And at some point, I realized that it's simple. You just step off, and you visit another train station. Get a new perspective and re-evaluate your dreams. Because, let's not fuck around here, it's the dreams that we're talking about. Ambitions and ideals. And mine were never that ambitious and not that ideal. But they were mine you know? I guess i wanted things just as much as the next weird creature. Most of the time, i was afraid I'd fuck it all up once i get close. And it's not like i haven't done that in the past. Maybe now i feel a bit more mature? So I feel like I'd do it a bit differently now. Or maybe, I just don't want to waste that once-in-a-lifetime chance. Not like it is, I don't know if any of this is, but I feel like I want to keep it? I mean at one point, I wanted to give up, and I am a quitter I know that, I fight it but I know myself. I wanted to quit so bad, but it all turned out alright so now I feel like I got a pass, like I'm exactly in the place where I wanted to be, but on borrowed time. Like i just got more time, to risk it all, once again. And I know I will, I know that I tend to fuck up the most basic stuff. I know that I got used to being just another fucking failure people pass on the street and wonder "why the smile though". Get the best out of the worst, and keep soldiering on. So see, now it feels like a bit too much for my soul to take, because I've never been this far. I've never made it this far, and all I want to do now is fall away. I'm not scared (I am), with all the pressure and the will that's hanging by a thread, I don't even know anymore. I guess I just don't want to fuck it all up. Again. I got used to that, and there's no one else to blame, and I'm tired of looking for the guilty party because I'm tired of all the failures. I'm just tired. I just want an honest smile to dear mr. fantasy. Is that even possible? Or am I reaching too much?