Honestly

Most of the time, i feel like it's the only completely honest thing i do. Like, everything else is somehow debatable. Not ultimate you know? The only thing i do, from the moment i wake up, to the second i fall asleep, i miss him with everything i am, and everything he will never see me become. I miss him. That's the only thing that is not an argument in my head. It's not something that will ever stop, and it's not something that i will ever be able to get over, or let go. It's just something i live with, just something i got used to.
Sometimes, i think that people got fed up with me talking about it. It's been years. It's shouldn't feel ike this, it shouldn't be like this anymore. And yet, it is. I just don't talk about it anymore. And all the small things i used to let slip by, i don't anymore. I learned how to keep it inside, safe, from maybe, my own thinking that people got bored and fed up with the same spiel. It gets easier it's true, it gets better, and easier to, i don't know, move on? It does, get easier. I promise. Not as frequent, not like before. Just as strong, just as the moment you sang yourself to sleep. I don't know where i was actually going with this, i guess i just felt as if i needed to get it out. Good thing nobody reads this. And now i'm thinking what am i trying to accomplish with this, honestly, i don't know. Everything would seem more of an excuse than an actual explanation. See, everything is up for a debate with me. Everything, huh. Everything but.

Complicated

Let's start off by saying that everything's royally fucked up. The world went to shit... when i say went to shit...? Sounds as if there was a point in time where it's was anything other, and i don't really think that that's the case. I think that it was always shit. Maybe because of the balance. You see, it's necessary for everything to have its opposite. Something that will balance it all out. The obvious light and dark, truth and a farce, right and wrong. The underdog and the aggressor.

It's a thing that switches, a thing that varies, the dark never stays dark if you shed some light on it. You may keep the light on it as long as forever, but the moment forever ends, the dark goes back to itself, and then it's just that. The dark. But people? People are a bit more complicated. Maybe that's the grey area i was thinking about my whole life? You see, some things are just not as simple as talking about the dark. Because in that analogy, the underdog fights his whole damn life, and lets the lines to get blurry and ends up the aggressor, that would mean that his role in this life is just being that, the underdog, and nothing more. Even if he prevails, and makes himself to be more, he's nothing more than what he used to be. He becomes worse, maybe to come back to what he once was, and stays as something he always was. And that's not true, I don't believe that for a second. The analogy's wrong.

See, who the fuck even gets to assign those roles to us? No one. We assign those ourselves. Maybe that's the thing about people, when i said it's a bit more complicated, maybe that's the belief? Maybe it's about how we see ourselves, what we believe we are? I mean, we fall victim to all sorts of fucked up shit life throws our way, but calling ourselves victims? Tends to stick around don't you think. Acknowledging that something happened, acknowledging your identity, things that make you who you are, is not the same as letting those same things define you. I am not my struggles. I've been to hell and back and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but that's not who i am. When my best friend sees me, she doesn't see the trauma, she doesn't see me crying on her shoulder every time something reminds me of my loss. She sees me. As a person, and she doesn't let my experiences define me. My actions on the other hand, is something that should. Be it right or wrong, it's what i've done personally, that should define me and let her trust me, or not to trust me.

It's a risk, even when you know the history someone's been through. You can analyze, or overanalyze; you can even think you're one step in front of someone, but people are, in fact so complicated, that you never know when is the time they'll finally snap, and do something that you could never foresee. Because their history doesn't have anything to do with that. Their hardships, or safe surroundings, don't mean shit when the time to choose comes. Do it? Don't? We grow and change every day; we evolve? We evolve. It all falls down to trust at some point. We believe in who we are, we grow, we fuck up and we make up for it. Some people don't. Some people don't want to. Vanity? Or their core? How do you decide their core is bad? Or good? Or anything at all?

It's trust. It's a risk. A risk that at some point, you're just not willing to take. So you push away until there's nothing to be pushed away. And now you're alone you say? Wonder how that happened.

Belief

We all get what we deserve. Every single time, it's no lie. What goes around comes around, it's the balance. And it's the natural order of things.
God, are you awake? Just a silly child with a keyboard and a lot more questions than there are answers. Debatable? Most likely. God? The education that was provided for me and the generation i share my country with, wasn't really as clear as i hoped it would be. The answers i sought when i was young, plague me still. (And idk what's with the eloquence, just get on with it.) See, God, is real? After many conversations, shitload of research, brain exploading from all of the bullshit and lies and half-truths; It all comes down to belief. See, believing makes it real. So maybe for someone who doesn't believe, it isn't true, for someone who does, it is. Maybe, there is no ultimate truth? Am i becoming an agnostic little shit? Moving on. Things are as real as much as people give them credit for. See for example, for someone, revenge is just the logical next step, and for some it's forgiveness. And they both believe their way is the right way. A third party judges, but rarely does it say "thank you to the universe for not making me choose myself". It's easy to judge, and it's normal to judge. But what's the truth? Is it all circumstantial? Not always the truth, a grey area? Isn't fucking everything a fucking grey area? When you think about it, your actions are the right ones, you know it in your soul when you do it, but when you judge others? It's easy to be high and mighty when you're safe. It's easy to do shit when you have nothing to lose. It's easy. And you won't even know you're in the wrong, until you think about it really hard and maybe even then you won't fucking realise shit. Which is the most plausible scenario. There is black and white, right and wrong, true and false, and it's easy to pretend to know which is which when it's not your ass on the line. I say pretend, because, how the fuck can you be so sure? I'm telling you, good enough of an argument directed at an ignorant person can make them believe unicorns are real. But it's the balance. There are people who understand that their beliefs should evolve, and there are people who don't. Some understand that God is maybe the last crutch humanity has for it to maintain the belief in final judgement, for it to maintain hope.
But then again, is it easier to believe in the lie? Yes. Who am i to say that someone's beliefs are just fairytales. Who am i to question them. Who are you. People yearn to feel safe and sound. People need hope. Because the truth is, almost always, too hard to swallow. It's harsh and unforgiving. And it's universal. There are natural laws we see and have yet to discover. But there are, natural laws. And you couldn't do shit about them as much as you wanted to. So you let them have their fairytales, let them believe in what the majority wants them to believe. Let them fight the wars in the name of God, let them kill, let them rape, let them have all of the riches they'll spend in the afterlife. It's only as real as you want it to be. At some point you realise that you only need an argument. Just one, or two if your lucky. And you can justify anything to yourself. No matter how smart you are, if you want something to be true, you'll even overlook the real truth. And that's normal, people do that all the time. It's easier to ignore, than to admit that half of your life has been spent in the shadows you don't want to escape. You feel safe there, right? Say thank you God, i live to see another day.
Acknowlodge that while the idea seems nice, the practice has gone out of control. Now sip your coffee and continue talking about something else that won't start a fight between brothers. 

People always leave

You know, as wise Peyton Sawyer once said, "people always leave."
Yeah, i miss One Tree Hill, but anyways.
People leave, and they don't come back. Not talking about dying, no, i'm talking about losing that connection and leaving the fuckass you once cared about, behind. I mean, i always thought that the worst you can do to a person is just bail and never tell them why. That hurts like a motherfucker, to not know what you did wrong, but to be left out in the cold to become once again, a stranger to them. And maybe that's not really good, maybe that's actually so mean that i can't even begin to describe. Or don't know how. But, it's just something that happens, you leave behind or you get left behind, either way it happens and it sucks.
But, the thing i was actually thinking about, is how the fuck does that even happen. I mean, human relathionships, whatever they are, they need nurturing and care, compromises, mutual support and understanding. It's all nice and simple when you put it like that, but practice is a bit harder. Respect is the first thing you realise is lost. Because without respect, you're walking on egg shells until compromises become giving in. And next thing that's gone is understanding. Because, most of the time, you've known the person in question for so long, they begin to image yourself, and when you finally snap and realise that they're not something for you to be molded to fit your desired persona and the high standards you put for yourself, well, you realise that, if they're not going to fit, you might as well take them out. And it's simple really, we've all been there. We 've all had those friends that have changed. But most of the time, we fail to realise, it's also us who have changed too. And that's why people always leave, because they refuse to grow and evolve together. Because it's easier when you're solo. I say that people's core never changes, their ideals never change. Who we want to be, the person we wish we would someday become, that never changes. We change our views, our beliefs, with new information we shape and constantly change our minds and interests, but we never really change ourselves. You get it? Well, we learn from the past that we can't change, so that our future is less painted with the same mistakes. We can't change the order of life and death, and we most certainly, can not change other people. And yet we try. Not talking about influencing, i mean, you can influence almost anyone with a good enough argument, but you can't change their core, their feelings, their ideals. So, say we have a guy who had done all the wrong things for all the good reasons, is he evil? The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say, but isn't that a bit of a grey area? Good intentions, with poor guidance will most defiinitely appear as bad. A good friend will forgive, but a best friend will never forget. Best friend will understand, and teach. So that the same mistake never happens again.
But people get fed up, and that's quite normal. People get tired, i mean, no one's put on this world to babysit their friends. Or maybe, that's how friendships actually survive? I mean, it's really weird, but i feel like most of the "grown ups" i know, don't have friends like they did when they were young. They get married, they have their lives and they get tired of taking care of the people they're not really responsible for. And that's just how life is. Doesn't mean it was a wrong choice, to leave behind someone, it just is what it is.
Support, understanding, respect, can go a long way if nurtured. And if left unsupervised, it crumbles and disappears. And the next thing you know, you have a stranger sitting next to you over a coffee talking about the weather. Maybe that's just me (probably not), but realising all of this, makes it a bit much easier to swallow. And to let go i guess.

The grand scheme of things

The grand scheme of things. The bigger picture. The thing that should be more important than ourselves. Our fears, ambitions, feelings, accomplishments, they really don't mean shit if you think of it like this.
You live your life being influenced and influencing others. Your actions may lead to disasters, your words may lead to forgotten sorrows, your smile can change the world. Ain't  that the truth. Well you still end up dead and that's a fact. The people you loved, dead and forgotten.  Your poems - raped, your ideals - taken out of context to fit the modern narative of a group of people you'll never get to meet, or have a chance to correct. It all ends up twisted. No matter how much you want to make a change, or help, or to just fucking exist; you can't forever. You see, at a point in time it could all be perfect, even after you're gone. At that same point in time, lines get blurred and your ideas become a mold for someone else to shape. So it's a moment.
It's always just a moment, for the moment, in the moment, everything, to make the moment possible and to make it count.  Why? In the great scheme of things, we're all basically  nothing. Specks of dust in the universe we can not outlive. We're just passers-by. On this planet, in this life. Nothing lasts forever, shooting stars we see at night are already  dead. The wishes we make, dead. Everything dies. I get that this is getting a bit depressive but bear with me.
So, if we acknowledge that we're not the shit, but in fact just shit in this universe - we can also acknowledge that that's the exact reason why, we're  not. We're coming full circle now hang on, I'll try to give a more simpler explanation.
If we realise that we don't mean shit in the grand scheme of things, that makes our efforts to be good and righteous that much greater. Because if you realise that there are no consequences for your actions, (i mean, the worst consequence is usually death, and we live in the year 2018, we're kinda past the fear of death, we even welcome it as an old friend and ship it with Jesus) and you still try your best to do good by others, to make other people AND yourself happy (all while trying not to hurt anyone else in the process), that actually has to fucking matter somewhere, to someone, something. It has to matter.
I don't know if it's humanity's arrogance at fault (i think it is) that the common belief is that we're the most intellectual beings there are, but i mean, there has to be something more. And no good deed goes unpunished.  That's the balance and i wholeheartedly believe in it. Therefore, while we should acknowledge that we're nothing but dust in the wind, we should also realise that, that's  just the popular belief right now. Quite depressive one at that, but tomorrow things may change. And you shouldn't live a life full of false sense of security that says "be good so you end up in heaven", but "do your best because you're jack shit to the world now and most possibly tomorrow, the praise will never come, - in a world where the fear of the worst consequence has been overcome, doing the best you can is just plain logical thinking. If you don't matter, nothing matters. And if nothing matters you might as well live a life you yourself can be proud of. At the end, your own judgement is what it's gonna come down to.
 In the grand scheme of things, if you don't matter to anything, matter to yourself. And as much as we're intelligent we're just as vain.
Good morning world, i think it's high time we rebelled against the nihilistic, depression centered, anti recovery, pessimistic  (also (wrongly) called "realistic") collective point of view amongst my peers.
You matter as much as you want to matter. Sell yourself as short as you want the negativity to thrive. You want to make a change? What better place to start than to start from ourselves.

Intorduction?

Thinking out loud and writing it down.
May be bullshit, but it's my train of thought.
Most of the time it won't make sense, and at this point i may believe that nothing makes sense at all anymore. And i say, may believe, because i'm not really sure what i believe anymore too. I don't know, maybe all people feel like this sometimes, maybe just a few and maybe none, except for me. (But that thing "am i the only one.." usually, you're not. Most of the time. Maybe 99.9999% of the time. Yes i'm pulling that percentage out of my ass.) Where was i. Yeah, the intoduction, this is an introduction to "what the fuck is even going on in my head anymore, i don't know, but hey, i refuse to write poetry until my heart heals so this will have to do".
No, i am not calling this "project" that way but it does have a nice ring to it, no? Probably not, but who cares. I'm 21, and immature, many would say. I had my fair share of shit in my life that i had to deal with when i wasn't really ready to. But hey, we all turn into adults one way or the other, the transitioning isn't really smooth for everyone, anyone, maybe. I don't know, me is the only one i felt transition from a scared shitless kid to an adult in a short period of time, so i can't speak for anyone else. I can just speak for myslef, so this is what you get. Immature, because why the fuck not.
Put on some makeup and wear a pretty blouse and the people you want to be taken seriously by will take you seriously. Throw in a word or two you picked up online two nights ago and have yet to grasp its full meaning, and you're set. Yep. That's my point, you bullshit your way through. And while you're trying your best not to call your mom and tell her to pick you up from uni because you feel uncomfortable in your own skin while everyone else around you seems to have it together, while you're trying your best to perserve the person you want everyone to see you as, you get lost. I got lost. Said it already, can't speak for anyone else, so this is how i feel. Yeah we got that so movin' along.
Adulting is hard as fuck. Responsabilities pile up and suddenly there's no time to collect emblems from dungeons and get good enough gear to kill the Lich King, and somehow, that's the exact point when i realized that, yes, i'm an adult and i fucking suck at it. And coffee gets cold, and you forget to set an alarm for that 8am class, and thank god you don't have to work to pay for uni because how do people actually do it?? That's not only strength, it's fucking endurance and motivation and punctuality and JESUS. I mean, i don't mean religion, i mean Jesus fucking Christ on a stick you know. Respect for those people. And positive energy becuse what else can i fucking offer.
This was supposed to be an intoduction to whatever the fuck this is. No, i will not go back and revise this, correct mistakes or whatever. This'll be raw and as honest as i can make it out to be. No half truths. God i hate those, yeah. If some things seem to be contradicting, well guess what, they are probably in contradiction and i'm not answering any questions here, i'm just writing my thoughts as they come and challange each other. Does that even make any sense? It does to me, but like, to you? To anyone else? Is there anyone out there?
To be understood, maybe you have to possess something to be understood for it to actually, be understood. And this is where i get off tonight.